Howdy Folks! We’re continuing our out-of-order-for-dramatic-effect tour of the 50 States of McMansion Hell today with perhaps one of the most underrated McMansion counties in the country: Waukesha County, Wisconsin. These houses were so bizarre it was hard to choose just one to do a takedown of. So, without further ado…
#10: Doom McGloom
This 2002 estate, thanks to the clever machinations of whoever took these photographs, looks less like an enticing investment property and more like a prime candidate for the Chernobyl ripoff set in America that has 2 stars and is only available on Amazon Prime.
#9: Headquarters of Tree-Haters Anonymous
This 2004 manse is $1.4 million dollars and yet its creators couldn’t afford more than a single (invasive!) tree. I don’t know what kind of sociopath wakes up in the morning and actively hates everything taller than a malnourished shrub. Whoever they are, this is certainly the house for them.
#8: Roofer’s Paradise
A post-recession 2011 McMansion, this house clearly didn’t learn anything from the recent past. With many McMansions, I can conceive of ways to improve them to make them better. With this house, I simply do not know how to rectify its main problem: it’s, like, 90% roof. In my head I refer to houses like this as “turtle houses” but frankly this does a disservice to the noble turtle.
#7: Haunted Geometry
This house was built in 2014, a time when people should definitely have known better. Its inclusion in this list is solely due to the absolutely bizarre geometry of its roof, a kind of geometry formerly unknown to mathematics until this time. Bonus points for the continued animosity to trees found in the wealthy populous of this county.
#6: McEscher
Nothing about this house makes sense. I’m serious. I’ve looked at it from several different angles and have yet to perceive any coherent spatial logic to how it comes together. This is house is an SCP. It’s an X-Files case. House of Leaves was actually based on this house. It’s an Escherian nightmare. 0/10 would not go inside even if you paid me.
#5: Obligatory Beigehaus
You know when a bad stand up comedian tells a joke that just keeps going way too long? The audience is like, okay, we get it, you need therapy, but he (and it’s always a he) just keeps going on and on. Well, this is the house equivalent of that.
#4: House of Lumps
Whoever built this house was utterly incapable of picturing in their minds eye what a house should look like. The very conception of a house is foreign to them. They have never seen a children’s book with houses in it. They probably didn’t even have a childhood.
#3: Play-doh Playhouse
This house made it so far in the countdown because it is, frankly, weird. I don’t know why it is painted the color of jaundice, or why they have transformed every gable into a hollow cavity longing for death. Lots of things are happening here, though none of them could appropriately be called “architecture.”
#2: Farmhouse Freak
Let your eyes glaze over as you look at this “farmhouse” - the more you look at it the less sense it makes. What are they farming, you ask? Why, turf grass of course! Bonus points for this image in which the house appears through a haze of ozone or something.
And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for…
#1: Corinthian Catastrophe
It’s one thing to have oversized Corinthian columns on your absurd McManse, but it’s a whole new level of extra to spray paint the capitals gold. This house takes all the elements found in the other houses (treeless sociopathy, turret lust, garish mismatched windows, foam) and ramps it up to 11, which is why it earns the number one slot in the county. Also, as a bonus, I find it incredibly funny that they embossed the letter “C” everywhere. I guess whoever buys it either has to have a name starting with C or has their work cut out for them. The C represents the grade they got in home design class.
Anyways, that’s it for Wisconsin, folks! Stay tuned for a special essay on whether or not brutalism is good, as well as the next installment of the 50 States: Wyoming. Have a great weekend.
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